Written by Samuel Walters in Tips & Advice on the 15th August 2022

Strip off, open all your windows and blast your favourite music at full volume so everyone can join the fun and enjoy the good vibes. Summertime, baby! It’s here and I’m loving it. …If you ever hear these words coming out of my mouth, I give you permission to crumble a cyanide pill into my iced coffee. I utterly despise summer, and apart from the aforementioned iced coffee there is absolutely nothing good about it. Nothing!

I know that most of you reading this will now declare me a miserable old humbug. That’s fine, because I also know that there are plenty of people out there just like me. And I’m here to tell you that in this celebrated season of the year, it’s OK not to be OK. I actually typed “hating summer” into Google the other day and was amazed by the results. Everyone from “Cosmopolitan” and “Vice” to “The Guardian” have articles on this subject. We summer haters might be a slightly odd breed, but it seems that we’re not in the least bit afraid to shout about it.

We, if you’re unacquainted with us, are the sensible ones – the people who don’t enjoy having to shower multiple times in a single day; the people who like to go for a walk without breaking into a profuse sweat; the people who prefer to just sit peacefully on the sofa and read a book or watch the box, without having to endure the neighbours’ “Summer Vibes” playlists, turning the street into a musical bonanza all day and all bloody night. We are the ones who don’t especially enjoy having our eyes prised open at six in the morning by piercing sunlight as it forces its way through every last nook and cranny in the curtains or shutters. (Oh, and we are also the ones who can’t afford a pool or air conditioning.) It’s all very unpleasant, but what I find fascinating about this time of year is the way that it so clearly divides the nation. It’s extraordinary to observe, like the parting of the Red Sea, the whole population of the UK just split in two for a period of several months. On the one hand you have the fun-loving, extroverted, festival-going folk who adore nothing more than letting their hair down and running riot in the heat. On the other, you have the introverted types who just can’t wait for the chill of autumn to arrive so we can all batten down the hatches and go back to keeping ourselves to ourselves. This division is only becoming more pronounced as heatwaves become the norm courtesy of global warming. And at both poles of this personality spectrum you’ll even find people who are so affected by it all that they have a medically classified condition – seasonal affective disorder, appropriately shortened to “SAD”. The condition is most commonly associated with autumn and winter. It kicks in for many when the conkers start to fall and the world takes on that grey, slightly melancholy aura. It then peaks in winter, when the night seems to begin at 4.30 in the afternoon. But, apparently, it is also experienced in response to summer weather. The endless light, heat and sweat are, for many, just as bad as the endless darkness and cold in the winter. I can well believe it.

This profound psychological division also plays out on the sartorial front. Some love to prance about shirtless and shoeless. They feel absolutely in their element when semi-clad – bodies on show and skin exposed so that they can receive the sun’s rays and get charged-up by its energy, like human solar panels. Others try to retain as much decorum as possible, like something from the British Raj. You see blazers, panamas and full-length chinos, paired with the same smart leather shoes that are worn in winter, the only concession to the heat being the absence of socks. I even saw someone using an umbrella as they were strolling in the sun the other day – a charming revival of the by-gone taste for parasols. If you actually wish to strike a middle ground in this weather, though, and dress both appropriately and stylishly, then it’s really not easy. Yes, I know the big brands and their summer look-books would have you believe that it’s all jauntily angled trilbies and jolly swimming shorts with whimsical motifs. But the reality is a far cry from these high-spirited poolside photoshoots. In truth, you’re pretty much stuck sweating away in functional t-shirts and shorts for three months solid. You can always go for the more refined linen shirt; but it’s not one to do on a budget. You have to fork out a fair bit to avoid the linen shirts that are so thin and shoddy that they show your nipples and make you look like a saucy cabaret act. Alternatively, you can go for Hawaiian shirts. These aren’t pricey and they will keep you cool; but the problem is that they don’t suit everyone. They’re best for fellas with big, bold personalities to match the loud prints. If you’re somewhat shy and retiring and you throw one on, it can all feel a bit incongruous. Then, of course, there’s the tank top option. You certainly won’t overheat in these, but unfortunately they do tend to come with a few undesirable social connotations. (They are nicknamed “wife-beaters”, after all.) It’s one thing to wear one on a run, or indeed on the run, but for day-to-day life, supermarket trips, barbeques and so on, it’s a tricky garment to pull off. It’s all too easy to end up looking a bit like Onslow, the tinny-swiller from “Keeping Up Appearances.”

Look, I really have to stop writing now because sweat is forming on my back and saturating my nether regions. But what it all comes down to is simply this – if you love summertime then I really envy you. It must be such bliss to not spend every day shut away in a darkened room trying to keep cool in front of a crummy little desk-fan branded the “Fridgemaster”. (That’s not poetic license, by the way; my fan really is called the Fridgemaster – an admirable piece of marketing that makes a twenty quid fan with two speed settings sound like the last word on luxury air-conditioning systems.) If, however, you don’t happen to love summer then, please, just remember that you’re not alone. There are many others like you. There’s no helpline, but we summer haters are all out here together in spirit. If we just get our heads down, keep on taking showers and keep on changing our pants, we can make it through to autumn. Keep cool, my friends, and try to carry on!

Seasonal Affective Disorder and a Strong Dislike of Hot Weather is the focus of this article on The Sweaty Horrors of Summer.